Hey,

     I just got of work.  I had the past two days off and Jimmy and Matthew rode in and stayed the night Wednesday to Thursday.  Was a lot of fun.  I am heading home here in a few but I thought I’d write here real quick for you.  I have hardly had time to do anything these past two weeks. 

     I’ll hopefully get my motorcycle this weekend.  Don’t know what kind exactly yet but I’m sure your mom or sister will see it on facebook if I get it.  I’m going to try to make it over to see them but Matthew and I have a lot of stops to make tonight and tomorrow and I still have to see Eric and my mom in that time too. 

     I miss talking to you and hanging out with you a lot.  I’m glad to hear everything is going well at State College. Hopefully you got a good schedule and they’re paying you ok.  It looks like I may actually have weekend off this summer.  Only problem is that I will work from 7-1 then have class from either 1:30-3 or 1:30-6 depending on the day.  Fun fun fun.

Always and forever love,

John

     You’re different than everyone else.  I can connect to you on so many levels too.  Not only are you very good looking but you also have a sparkling personality.  Yeah, that sounds cheesy but that’s the only way I can describe it.  Every since we’ve met it just felt right.  You’ve done so many wonderful things for me throughout the years that proves I was right.  I’ll never forget it.  

     I hope you did well on your first take home final and the presentations.  At least you have awhile to study for your Friday final.  Today is my first day off since mine ended.  I have worked 8-5 Sunday and Monday.  I’m so sore from it too.  I’ve picked up over a ton of stuff, literally, every day and put in on contractors trucks.  I have no idea what I’ll do with all this time today and tomorrow now.  I’ll probably just watch movies and order my summer books. 

     I miss you a lot.  You’re mom was right when she told you about how I see you. 

Always and forever love,

John

     I’ve been to insanely busy all day while it seems like the rest of the world around me has been partying and enjoying there start of summer.  Tomorrow at one I’ll finally be done my sophomore year!  It’s gone by so insanely fast I can’t hardly believe it. 

     This is the first real study break I’ve taken all day.  I took a break to hangout earlier but that was only because Anne was over for a bit.  I was at Lowe’s all morning until about four when I finally got a haircut.  It’s nice and short again so that’s good considering I’ll be picking things up and putting them down all day at Lowe’s.  They actually had me on the schedule for tomorrow without telling me.  I had to convince them that my final was far more important so now I start Sunday.  It seems like the craziness never will end. 

     On a side note this morning I did do something for myself.  I am now scheduled to take the motorcycle class at Hagerstown Community College 6/2-6/3 in the mornings.  I can’t wait to get that F put on my license and get my first bike.  I think I’m going to try and get an 09’ GS500f if you wanted to look it up.  Lowe’s is giving me close to 40 hours every week it seems so that’s going to be pretty great considering the total cost for the bike/gear/plates will be about $3500.  The class was expensive too for some reason.  Oh well, it’ll make me safer I guess.

     Well I better get back to studying my CS 350 stuff.  Going to be a fun test tomorrow.  I hope you have a good friday night.

Always and forever love,

John Lucas

I have been checking this just not as much as normally considering this week has been the craziest finals week yet.  This past weekend I did the math and realized I needed a B on my stat final to pass the class so I’ve been freaking out hardcore about getting that.  Pretty sure I did though :)  The only finals I have left are Econ today and CS this saturday.  Econ is going to be pretty easy as long as I don’t rush.  It only took me two hours to go over all his power points for the entire year and there was nothing I missed from class which was pretty awesome.  Nice to not be freaked out for once. 

     I did get an email saying I was accepted to my internship yesterday, but then realized it had the wrong name on it.  A few hours later I got another saying that there was a big mix up and I didn’t actually get anything. Looks like I’ll just be taking my $7000 worth of classes and working at Lowe’s all summer.  Lucky me.  If I didn’t have these classes I probably would have gotten it too but they really weren’t happy with that for some reason.  Oh well.  Being an RA should make up for it on my resume I guess, plus I have the honors frat and too many clubs to count.

     I hope you’re ready for your finals and everything.  Sorry I won’t get to see you before you take off for your internship.  I’ll probably start work next week if all goes to plan and then my classes start the 14th and go through both sessions of the summer.  I may come back the first of next month to take a weekend class at FCC for my motorcycle license but that depends on if I can get off work and whatnot.  I’ve already found the bike I want and have the money I just need the license and I don’t think my mom is going to stop me if I do it all on my own.  Jimmy just got a bike to so I really want to get it done this summer just so we can all ride together. 

     I’m surprised you don’t see Pete more often considering you’re not friends with Jess.  I’d get out of my room as much as possible if I shared it with someone I didn’t like.  Unless she’s never there of course.  I don’t think her leaving one or two days a week is so bad.  Anne pretty much lives with me here and this summer I’m moving into her place.  I’ll just be glad to get away from the stupidity that is my room-mates.

     Reading that story about your friend makes me feel kinda bad.  I feel bad for him and for you.  You had to do what you did or else you’d still be dealing with that initial problem of not knowing.  Who knows, maybe this is how it was supposed to be.  You just have to make the best of the situation you’re in. 

     Well I better get back to studying for this econ test in a few hours.  Have a good day!  I may write some more tomorrow during the day if I can break free from my CS notes.

Always and forever love,

John

      It’s been an interesting day.  Last night I saw your facebook message and tried to hide it from Anne who was sitting behind me.  She said I started to act weird and is now going through the whole cycle of hating you and trying to understand the relationship we have again. 

       I want to talk to you more but she would be pissed.  Obviously you haven’t found this yet and I’m not sure if I should even tell you but I feel like it would make things easier for us. 

      Well I should get back to studying and preparing for my finals.  I’m on the very last episode of 30 rock on netflix right now.  It’s been pretty awesome.  Thanks for getting me hooked on it.

Always and forever love,

John

     Anne got pretty drunk Saturday night.  When she drinks she often goes to lay down and gets really emotional before she passes out.  She admitted that she is scared of you.  She is jealous of you.  She wishes she was you. 

     She went on for about an hour repeating the same type of things.  It was pretty much how angry she was at you for letting me go and how she doesn’t understand why or how you did.  Neither do I really.  Then all of a sudden she flipped into pissed off at me mode saying that I couldn’t be trusted and bringing up all the things that had happened in our past.  Pretty interesting how everything can change just like that instantaneously.

     I miss you, but you already knew that.  It’s been at least a week since we’ve talked at all.  Been pretty busy here with projects and labs coming to an abrupt end and finals about to start.  I have three projects due this week, a portfolio, and two finals.  Luckily, I can have caffeine again so no sleep for me! 

     I just wanted to get on here and post something to relieve a little stress before I hit the gym tomorrow morning at 7:00 again.  My goal is be ripped by this summer, even though you hate guys like that =p  Starting to make some serious progress thus far.  Hopefully I can keep it up through finals. 

     My job with Lowe’s this summer has been secured.  I have a phone interview with Key Logic, a local engineering company, about and internship.  I doubt I’ll be able to do it though since I’m taking summer classes.  This past weekend I got accepted into Eta Kappa Nu (HKN), the computer and electrical engineering honors fraternity.  I’m also official in the Society of Leadership and Success, Sigma Alpha Pi another nationwide frat.  Neither of them are serious about meetings or anything though, just another resume builder.

     Well that’s about it that’s new with me.  The girls and my dad are still going nuts.  Hopefully I can see them once my finals are done…  Don’t let AJ get to wild with those birthday tattoos! 

Always and forever, I will love you.

John Lucas

     These past two weeks have been very long.  Each day feels like two or three with all the work and meetings I have to do and go to.  I miss you a lot.  I feel like I’m losing you though.  My feelings are still there but the more I think the more I realize that the chances of it truly working out are only getting smaller. 

     Always and forever is the truth.  I’ll always be there for you but I know that we won’t be together, or even in the same state for a long time.  We haven’t really been talking much but then again we don’t really have much to say anymore.  I miss you. 

     I hope you’re doing well and are happy with Pete. 

Always and forever I will love you,

John

     It has been a wonderful weekend.  I just wish I would’ve been able to see my sisters the whole time I was there instead of just Sunday.  They claimed to have a wonderful birthday/Easter so that was cool.  I didn’t end up leaving until about nine thirty because it was just so hard to leave on their birthday.  They didn’t have school today either which made it even worse with them begging me to skip class too.  

     On the ride back from 9:50-1:00ish I only listened to Maroon 5.  I haven’t forgotten any lyrics at all.  I know almost every song in it’s entirety.  I never understood why you liked them so much before considering all they sing about is breakups and what we have been living the past two years.  Now that I can actually understand that pain and that hurt that never seems to dull the music makes more sense to me.

     I haven’t thought about you this much since this summer.  I’ve had dreams about you and I every day for the past week and a half.  I can’t get you out, nor do I want to.  It almost scares me to know that you have so much power over me.  I would do anything - anything at all - to be back with you.  It doesn’t even have to be the perfection that it was the first time through.  We can live in different states, I don’t care.  I’d do everything in my power to make it work. 

     These dreams have ranged from us just walking and talking, to just poking fun at each other, to all out getting nearly walked in on.  I don’t understand it at all.  It’s so bizarre to have these great dreams only to wake up to someone else sharing my pillow.  I’m not going to go into the details of each dream as they were the most vivid I’ve ever had and my words wouldn’t do it justice.  

     Everything I say or do reminds me of you.  I say things out loud that only you would realize where funny.  No one else seems to understand.  Anne always told me she understood what I was going through and all that other crap but she has no idea.  Every day I feel as though the world is shrinking, as if my chances are getting worse to do the things that I want.  Every day I get the feeling that you aren’t going to lose me like you’re so scared of doing, but that I will lose you.  I will never lose my love for you.  Always and forever is not a saying to me but truly how I feel about us. 

     You have always talked about destiny and seeing each other in a coffee shop years from now and magically reconnecting.  Everything I think of this I have a weird shift of emotion.  I go from happy to know that it may happen, to sad knowing that odds of it actually happening.  I don’t want to be stuck like your mom or divorced multiple times like my dad and my mom before I just get fed up and cope with whatever shitty relationship I’m in for the rest of my life.  I refuse to live that way. 

     I want you in my life but I know that right now I just can’t.  You’re with someone else and are stuck with at least living with them for another year including this summer in between school.  He wants to be serious and even though you say you don’t feel that way I know that you won’t stand up and just say it outright.  This is why I have to stay in this limbo.  I have to keep minding myself and you of what can and should be. 

     I was thinking a lot in the car and I realized that I have made some serious mistakes in both my life and in our relationship.  I know I did the right thing letting you go when you wanted to.  I just wish I would’ve had it in me to promise you my love instead of just buy you the ring.  I always played that off as a joke that I wouldn’t marry you yet but deep down I always pictured it.  Today I wish I would have at least tried. 

I’ve got to run to class now but I will be on here diligently trying to vent and understand my own thoughts and feelings.  

Always and Forever.

Love,

John

     I came back to tumblr!  It’s just nice to be able to get everything off my chest.  This week has been very rough.  Hopefully you don’t realize I made this again.  I’m not going to write anything tonight besides this little paragraph but hopefully I’ll find time to update this again soon.